FRIARS
These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair.

He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him.

So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh threatened the friars and said he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

GOD'S VOICE MAIL
Thank you for calling Heaven...  Please select one of the following options:
     For Requests, Press 1
     For Forgiveness, Press 2
     For Thanksgiving, Press 3
     For Complaints, Press 4
     For all other inquiries, Press 5

All of our angels and saints are busy helping other sinners right now. However, your prayer is important to us and it will be answered in the order it was received.  If you would like to hear a PSALM while you are holding, Press 9.

For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, the age of the earth, life on other planets and where Noah's Ark is, please wait until you arrive.

Our records show that you have already prayed today.  Please hang up and try again tomorrow. We appreciate your business and look forward to seeing you in the future.

Thank you for calling GOD!

Philosophy
A philosopher was walking along the beach and found a bottle washed up by the tide. When he pulled out the stopper, a genie emerged and said, "As a reward for releasing me, I'll grant you your choice of either infinite wisdom or infinite wealth. Which shall it be?"

The philosopher didn't hesitate at all. "Infinite wisdom, of course."

There was a big flash of light. 

"Dang!" he said. "I should have taken the money!"

THE BIBLE - KID'S VERSION

• In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
• Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.
• Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
• Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.
• Moses died before he ever reached Canada.
• Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
• Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
• David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

THE INTRUDER
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled, "stop! Acts 2:38" (Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.)

The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you."

"Scripture?" replied the burglar. " She said she had an ax and two 38's!"

GOD'S WATCHING
Up at the head table in the school cafeteria, one of the teachers had placed a big bowl of bright red, fresh, juicy apples. Beside the bowl, she placed a note which read, "Take only one. Remember, God is watching."

At the other end of the table was a bowl full of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies, still warm from the oven.

Beside the bowl, a little note scrawled in a child's handwriting which read, "Take all you want. God's watching the apples."

EVE AND ADAM
Eve said to God in the Garden of Eden, "God, I have a problem. It's a beautiful garden, but I'm lonely and I'm sick of eating apples."  "Okay," God said, "I'll create a man for you."  Eve said, "What's a man?"   "He's a creature with aggressive tendencies and an enormous ego who doesn't listen and gets lost a lot, but he's big and strong, he can open jars and hunt animals, and he's fun in bed."  "Sounds great", said Eve.  "There's just one other thing. He's going to want to believe I made him first.

666
What is 666? That's the number of the beast.
And 668? The next-door neighbor of the beast.
What's 666-point-00000? That's the high-precision beast.
And zero-point-666 is the Millibeast.
And 1-900-666-666 is where you can call and talk to a beast, live, one on one.
And $665.95 is the retail price of the beast. $699.25 with 5 percent sales tax. $769.95 with all accessories.

RED NECK CHURCH
You'll Know Yours Is A Redneck Church If

• The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.
• People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.
• When the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," five guys and two women stand up.
• Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.
• A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."
• The choir is known as the "OK Chorale."
• Boone's Farm "Tickle Pink" is the favorite wine for communion.
• In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.
• Baptism is referred to as "branding."
• There is a special fund raiser for a new church septic tank.
• Finding and returning lost sheep isn't just a parable.
• High notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.
• People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.
• The baptismal font is a #2 galvanized washtub.
• The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.
• The collection plates are really hub caps from a '56 Chevy.